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A Quarterly Journal
Jeffrey Woodward, Founder & General Editor
Volume 6, Number 4, December 2012


Ed Markowski
Auburn Hills, Michigan, U.S.A .


When we finally caught up with him in the parking lot of Goldie’s Open Pit Bar-B-Que at 1862 Confederate Avenue in Vicksburg, he told channel eight news reporter Jennifer Luciano, “Y ‘all have committed so many sick, and unusual acts of cruelty, perversion, lust and gluttony, your efforts have elevated the cruel, the perverse, the lustful, and gluttonous into an art form. If you’re puzzled, doubting, forgetting, or in denial of the creative abilities that have delivered us to this historic and exalted moment, let me offer some specifics . . . .

Fifty ton tanks rolling over hundred pound women and twenty-five pound toddlers. Nuclear Warheads. Napalm. Anthrax, Ebola, and Bird Flu missiles. Preachers preaching that suicide by cyanide is the key to heaven’s gate. Leashing naked men and forcing them to walk on all fours, rollover, play dead, and beg. Withholding food in plain view of starving mothers and their starving infants. Shower heads dispensing Zyklon–B. And that brings us to the last spectacular act, the final feather in mankind’s cap, the cherry on top, and that act which laid to rest any lingering doubts regarding your faith, worth, and devotion . . . Flying jumbo jets into skyscrapers. Honestly, in spite of our collective and almost infinite wisdom and knowledge we never saw that one coming. Not only did He and I miss it, we never once imagined that as a possibility.

As a result of mankind’s creative ability with the tools of my trade, He called me home. The fresh new face of evil incarnate, cruelty, perversion, lust, and gluttony, is . . . A smiling , bespectacled faceless man crowned with a dome of perfectly trimmed gray hair. The man is absolutely resplendent in a black three piece Brioni business suit as he reads from the Book of Genesis to a roomful of barefoot ten year old Tibetan children who are jammed shoulder to shoulder, sweating and enrapt, as they sew and assemble the Autumn 2012 edition of Hush Puppy International’s fleece lined chukka boots. As for my future, I’ve been the pit master here at Goldie’s since the joint opened. Can’t quit my day job yet, so this is where I’ll be. Taste my ribs ya’ll. We argue and fight every day, but my better half will testify that cloven hoof or not, my bones can’t be beat.”

Trick or Treat
The Mad Scientist’s
Bubblicious Mommy



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